19 Mar 2020 22:21:32
I went into Poundland and asked if they sold £2 coins.
19 Mar 2020 23:12:59
I have so many holes in my socks I can put them on 7 diffetent ways.
Man and woman at the airport waiting in the queue to go through security. Man says" I wish I'd brought the piano" Woman looks puzzled. Man says "cos the passports are on it! "
Man wearing a brown paper hat, jacket' shirt and trousers was arrested for rustling.
Man keels over on his way to the pub. Lady helps him to his feet, asks if he fell. "Naw
I was trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket.
Don't you just love Chic Murray? Lol.
20 Mar 2020 07:51:38
Laudrup1972. If you've no luck with that lot i can get my hands on them for you mate, they're reasonably priced at 2.50 a pop, first come first served pal, sorry.
20 Mar 2020 11:45:18
A man is locked in a room with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Jeremy Beadle. He has a gun but only 2 bullets. Who does he shoot?
The man replies "Jeremy Beadle, twice. "
20 Mar 2020 20:20:19
That's a beezer Seeker - the best yet - still laughing after 20 mins!
What's the difference between a catalyst and a hormone?
You can't make a catalyst!
(some of you may have to think about that! )
20 Mar 2020 22:12:15
Aye very good Stubbsy 👍👍😂😂.
19 Mar 2020 18:41:28
Went into a bakers asked the woman how much are yer pies she said 2 for 50 I said how much is 1 she said 30 I said give me the other one.
19 Mar 2020 20:25:31
Paddy goes to the dentist and says “how much is it to get all my teeth out? ” The dentist replies £300, paddy says “here’s £40, slacken them! ”.
19 Mar 2020 21:29:24
A young girl asks her Mum,
“Mum is it true? Babies come out of . you know, where boys put their thingy in? . “
The mum realises that her daughter is at that age and replies, ”Yes honey. it’s true, Babies come out where boys put their thingy in”
The girl pauses for a moment and says
“But doesn’t that hurt your teeth? ”.
20 Mar 2020 07:38:36
Guy goes into a barber dhop, ask how much is a haircut, 15 pound was the reply, how much is a shave then, 1.50, the customer said, shave my head.
19 Mar 2020 17:14:18
Guy walks into a pub waving a big black and white checked flag the barman says you better not start anything.
19 Mar 2020 17:34:21
Had a job interview the other day and was asked "can you do good under pressure? " I said "no but I do a cracking bohemian rhapsody"
19 Mar 2020 18:00:49
3 passengers on a doomed plane, a top world renowned scientist, a minister and a 16 year old lad. Only 2 parachutes between them. The scientist says I've cured disease, invented technology and I get a parachute and jumps out. The minister says I've looked after my flock and my community for years and followed God for 40 years so I deserve a parachute, the lad pipes up, what you worried about that scientist just grabbed my rucksack.
19 Mar 2020 18:20:39
penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman
have you seen my brother?
barman says, what"s he look like?
19 Mar 2020 19:06:20
Did u Hera about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize?
He won it for being outstanding in his field.
19 Mar 2020 20:57:37
Asked the barber, 'How much is a haircut? '
He said '£20'.
I said, 'How much is a shave? '
He said, '£10'.
I said, 'Shave my head. '
19 Mar 2020 22:53:03
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
19 Mar 2020 23:31:02
FM lads those joke are woeful lol!
20 Mar 2020 07:40:49
The covan, short mate, i should have looked down, the page, before posting.
20 Mar 2020 07:52:09
Guy walks into pub, an older guy is sitting with an old dog, the dog is cleaning itself, you know licking his private parts. guy said to the old guy i'd love to be able to do that, the old guy replied buy him a pie and he might let you.
20 Mar 2020 10:50:22
Thanks guys for all the terrible jokes, they have cheered me up so much that I've printed them out and I'll be taking them to the pub this weekend (if it is still open! ) .
20 Mar 2020 13:36:52
Horse walks into the pub, Barman says 'what's with the long face', horse replies, I'm a horse. Barman then says we've got whisky named after you, horse replies, 'Whit, Dobbin'
20 Mar 2020 13:36:59
Two dogs walking down the street one said to the other, rover when your having sex with a bitch do you use any protection, durex I asked you first.
Two vomits walking down the street one said to the other one see that close over there that’s were I was brought up.
20 Mar 2020 13:38:37
Big Heilan Policeman arrest a guy in Sauchiehall Street and drags him round the corner to Hope Street as he couldnae spell Sauchiehall.
20 Mar 2020 13:40:58
A man walking down Buchanan Steet is approached by a woman who asks' Hey big boy dae ye fancy 'Super Sex', the guy replies, ' Gie me the soup I'm starvin'
20 Mar 2020 15:36:31
Guy walks into a pub, sees an old guy sitting with a dog, does your dog bite, no said the old guy, he goes to clap the dog, and the dog bites him, i thought your dog doesn't bite, the old guy says that's not my dog.
20 Mar 2020 22:27:10
Aha Paulellen, Inspector Clouseau n'est pas?
22 Mar 2020 07:11:10
Seeker, i didn't know that joke came from Clouseau. i never watched it, i disliked the way he talked.
19 Mar 2020 11:22:24
Because there is no football the press jump on any quote or story coming out from the football world to sell their papers and they twist the story so as to keep the back pages full but any journalist worth his salt knows that this season has to be a write off with no champions and no relegation. This course of action may well protect the start of next season by allowing clubs to sign sponsorship deals, sell season tickets for a full season etc. If we finish this season then the players will need time to get back up to speed after we are given the go ahead to resume meaning that even if the league were to restart at the beginning of May (very unlikely) the players will need a month to get back in shape meaning that the first games will be in June and even with 2 games a week the season will not finish till mid July (best scenario) . We have to write this season off sooner rather than later allowing clubs to put their energies towards getting funding for next season, there is no point ruining two seasons. Unfortunate for some and fortunate for others perhaps but that is what has to happen. Or am I wrong?
19 Mar 2020 12:25:14
Your wrong season can’t be written off as all clubs would be ending sponsorship deals early to which will lead to compensation claims from them. Season will get finished maybe not the end of June when they hoped it for, definitely will be completed tho.
{Ed001's Note - that's not true. The season can be written off.}
19 Mar 2020 12:51:48
I understand your point of view deemc22 but my point is that we have to make the call sooner rather than later because of the uncertainty going into next season. If we close the season sooner and let the lawyers worry about compo then we can all start planning for a new full season when ever that will start.
19 Mar 2020 15:16:49
Then teams who are supposed to get promoted and don’t get it the will fight it out which could lead to the new season getting postponed till its sorted out. Even if they did finish it the now with no football getting played for few months the smaller teams could be out of business which could lead to a league revamp ie 16/ 18 team league.
19 Mar 2020 15:19:29
Deemc, that's bull, because if there's no blame there's no compensation, from who to who . The only real issue really is going to be time lapsed because if we're going to talk months with no football, league, cups whatever will simply disappear into infinity.
19 Mar 2020 15:48:01
sorry ed not according to big peter at the tic, severe consequences if they do, big peter runs the sfa and the spfl, what he says goes, there terrified of him, like the mafia he has been keeping silent waiting to bark his orders like don peter corleone.
{Ed001's Note - nonsense.}
19 Mar 2020 16:16:15
ed001 sorry you think its nonsense, i am only quoting what's being quoted in the daily tic rag.
{Ed001's Note - if you are wasting people's time quoting clickbait then don't. Why be an idiot and spread bull?}
19 Mar 2020 16:21:33
Miller there is always blame no matter what, can blame spfl blame UEFA blame FIFA, the company’s putting millions in will just say na forget about our contract doesn’t matter. Or you paid for an extension to your house and the builder turns round says na need to scrap that pal this virus n all that you turn round say no worries bud.
{Ed001's Note - you clearly do not understand the contractual situation so I would just drop it. You are wrong. You can't sue UEFA, SPFL or FIFA because a virus put paid to the season.}
19 Mar 2020 17:07:16
Correct ed.
{Ed001's Note - the only things that can be contested are handing out things like European places and titles.}
19 Mar 2020 17:39:43
Correct ED, what part of the word 'Pandemic' do some people not understand, football leagues and cups are totally irrelevant in a situation like this. The one thing that the SFA have at the back of their mind as an option is league reconstruction starting from when we can start a 'New Season', this season is over if reasonableness is to be applied. The European spots for the new season could I believe be awarded as it stands, Celtic and Rangers will be in the Champions League and Europa League respectively, with Motherwell and Aberdeen likely to have the other two Europa League spots, I believe it would be sensible to dispense with Qualifying Rounds, and go straight to Group Stage in these competitions. As regards League History, the only thing that would apply would be Celtic would start the new Season on 8 Leagues Won to that point, Dundee United and probably ICT would be promoted with no relegation from any league, similar application for the other two Leagues. This I feel is a sensible and meaningful way to progress from this unprecedented situation we find ourselves in.
{Ed001's Note - the European places are down to the SFA to nominate the teams. However there is a chance teams could argue the toss about them. It is going to be the same situation everywhere and leagues and clubs will just have to come to a compromise.}
19 Mar 2020 18:07:53
ed001 don't like you calling me an idiot for posting something that's printed in a rag, you make yourself out to be mr know all in the football legal side, you only spout your own opinions but expect everyone to take your word as gospel, i don't take your baloney that the season can be written off, and i will have a bet with you that either the tic will get the title or the league will be restructured, whatever way its done it will suit the tic.
{Ed001's Note - I do not make myself out to be a know it all about the legal side, I just am not stupid enough to swallow tabloid lies. It is you spouting an opinion, I am merely explaining the truth, but you are too busy being bitter about Celtic to bother to understand. You are ignorant, I am trying to enlighten you, but you prefer to remain ignorant, up to you. Bit sad though. Might help if you actually took the time to do some research, rather than reading clickbait and believing it because it suits you.}
19 Mar 2020 18:57:49
oh so i am sad and ignorant, everything that's written in the tabloids is wrong according to mr wonderful ie yourself, you are up your own jacksy mate, self opinionated as your as above post states that you are only educating me on the truth, you come over to me as being a narcissist, i would be happy if they gave that mob the league as it would not be a full league so it would not count.
{Ed001's Note - you carry on believing the tabloids, you are just embarrassing yourself regurgitating that nonsense. It truly is a shame that you can't see it. It is this stupidity of believing every little bit of clickbait that causes panic buying etc. If only people applied a bit of common sense, the world would be a better place.}
19 Mar 2020 19:22:04
Ed1 when you start accusing people of being bitter when there is no evidence of bitterness then you have lost, I have read and reread trueblues post and can find no bitterness can you point it out?
{Ed001's Note - really? You think making multiple accusations against someone from a rival team is not stemming from bitterness? I give up, clearly pointless this. If losing is having the intelligence not to believe tabloid lies, then I would rather lose thanks.}
19 Mar 2020 19:28:51
if its nonsense as you say then don't embarrass yourself and take the bet then, clickbait and panic buying was not mentioned by me, i think you are retorting with claptrap to avoid the bet, your idea of a reply is to try and belittle guys who writes a post for the other guys to give their opinions on, i did not know i had to go through your scrutiny first.
{Ed001's Note - I don't gamble. It is not me posting claptrap. If you are unable to read the T&C of the site, then that is not my fault, you are just proving the lack of thought you show.}
19 Mar 2020 19:30:32
Sorry Ed point it out again for me.
{Ed001's Note - "19 Mar 2020 15:48:01
sorry ed not according to big peter at the tic, severe consequences if they do, big peter runs the sfa and the spfl, what he says goes, there terrified of him, like the mafia he has been keeping silent waiting to bark his orders like don peter corleone." - that bit.
It would come down to a vote, not his decision. That is why it is going to be very difficult to come to a consensus. If they don't get a full agreement from all clubs, to any decision which involves awarding relegation or promotion or trophies, then it leaves them open to legal challenges.
Everyone is aiming at completing the full season, because that would end any arguments. The reason why the Bundesliga have put forward the plan of having promotion but no relegation, which all leagues are considering, is to lessen the chances of a legal challenge. That would not award the trophies but would keep a large number of teams happy. Unless the season can be completed though, there is no solution that everyone would be happy with.}
19 Mar 2020 19:33:59
Ed you banger i stated UEFA, spfl, fifa as there are more teams other than ones in Scottish leagues and competitions that might not finish the season. And if the couldn’t finish then the above couldn’t get sued. Crazy keyboard gangsta that you are.
{Ed001's Note - and what would they sue them for? Come on explain what they would have to sue them for if the season is voided?}
19 Mar 2020 19:55:26
You obviously don't know what bitterness is then Ed. Not a bad place to be.
19 Mar 2020 22:20:11
As far as I am aware no member club throughout Europe can take their association to court on any account . It’s part of what we sign up to when joining the leagues . so for any reason going down a judicial route could not happen. unless you want to forfeit your club .
19 Mar 2020 22:26:36
Ps Ed I think the boys might be inferring more that the tv companies would claim against the associations. not sure about that one. especially as you will have millions of people wanting a refund from the tv companies.
20 Mar 2020 08:45:17
Molsgoals, i'm sure that the rule of law supersedes sfa/ spfl rules and if the rules unfairly jeopardize a PLCs ability to trade then after the court of arbitration then the only other option is law courts. I might be wrong because i'm no expert but to say you can't take ANY organisation to court sounds absurd.
20 Mar 2020 15:37:26
Molsgoals and every one, i seen it posted yesterday that sky are freezing the tv deals, so tell your bank to cancel direct debit to sky lads.
21 Mar 2020 00:53:06
Yea jyf but as far as I am thinking if you sign up to the leagues you are signing a binding contract. if in that contract it’s states that you agree to the conditions ( part if them being not to associations to court, for want of better terminology) and then you break that agreement, I would imagine the associations could throw the book at you . Considering you or we have made countless millions over the years by agreeing to such terns they could probably lock our doors and throw away the keys . Other wise all binding contracts in the world would be worthless, if one could be broken so easily.
I think one would have to change the legislation and meaning if a contract at source as is happening now in America with the silencing clauses in the winestein case . Makes sense to me and would explain the reasoning .
19 Mar 2020 09:02:28
The Spanish Football Federation has stated that La Liga title will NOT be handed to Barcelona if the league campaign cannot be completed because that would be unfair. Hopefully, the SPL will follow suit. Some hope!
19 Mar 2020 10:51:37
I can see this years fixtures being completed at some stage in the year and next years league being drastically cut short.
19 Mar 2020 11:16:42
UEFA has given all domestic leagues until 30th June to complete their fixtures. The way things seem at the moment, there is virtually no chance of that happening. The leagues could be declared null and void and if the virus situation improves, perhaps start the new season early in July? Perhaps next year's European competitions can be dealt with on a straight knockout basis and don't start until January to allow the knockout stages of this season's two European tournaments to be completed later this year.
19 Mar 2020 11:18:59
I have a sneaky feeling this season will be completed later in the summer when hopefully we're through this world wide nightmare and then next season will be cut in half playing each other twice with no split.
19 Mar 2020 16:09:01
Did I not suggest that and was cut to pieces as too complicated.